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The healing of the Island and the hard trip home.

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So as I posted earlier, we decided to take Bentley out to the island for the holiday weekend to get away and enjoy the beach. We definitely did just that! Bentley was very slow getting around, and definitely had little energy. Although we very much enjoyed our time there, when we got ready to leave – I lost my shit. As irrational as this thought it, I somehow felt that staying out on the island meant I was keeping him alive – and if we came home he was just going to die. I guess maybe because the island is my peace, my outlet, my happy when we’re there ‘reality’ doesn’t seem real. I also know, that coming home meant going back to work – and having to leave Bentley’s side. Especially now that he’s sick, all he wants is Mommy (he has always been a HUGE mama’s boy anyway). He literally lives for me.  No one else (even my husband, poor guy) matters when Mommy is around and visible. I literally cried the entire way home from the island. I have NO idea how I am going to live without him. And I know that he is here with me still, but I cannot stop thinking about what my life will be like when he’s gone. So many things will be different. I try to find the good in things, like “well, if he is no longer here then I’ll have more time to go out with friends and not feel guilty going for a run right?”. Is that fucked up or is it just me? That I’m trying to convince myself there is good in letting him go. Of course I know it will be the right decision to make when he is suffering. But seriously why? I guess I’m at that “Why us?” stage right now because I am NOT dealing very well with the fact that my dog is dying and there is not a god damn thing I can do about it. We drove up to Pennsylvania every three weeks and deprived ourselves of sleep for an entire weekend to do so. We spent $500+ a month on food and supplements, don’t even get me started on vet visits, chemotherapy, and amputation surgery. All the money that we have, and all the money we’ve matter what I cannot BUY his health. And it KILLS me. Isn’t that what you see in the movies and on TV, people with money always get things that they want and all their problems are solved. So why can’t I take every penny we have and make it go away? Because I can’t. It’s a fucking monster, attacking my son. And there’s not a damn thing I can do to stop it. And people probably think I’m crazy right? My boss doesn’t understand why I’m sad everyday. Because people that are not crazy dog people like us – think that we’re looney for feeling this way about a dog. He’s just a dog. No, he is my world. My best friend. The ONE and ONLY thing that has been through all of the worst and best times of my life. He never left my side, he has been my comfort, my happiness, my BEST FRIEND. He never ever judges, never ask questions, and never complains..he is just there, exactly what I need from him. I know that no matter how much time he has on this earth, even if it was 20 years – it’d NEVER be enough. Every second I spend away from him, literally feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I know that our days together are numbered, I literally had to convince myself that it was NOT a good decision to pack a bag and take him and just drive away with him. As if running away from things is going to stop his cancer. If there was just something I could do!!!!!! But I can’t, and for a serious control freak like myself – something I cannot control, destroys me. Cripples me. Every inch of me. I know that I need to snap out of it so that I can enjoy the time I have with him, but it is killing me. I know that I need to wait to grieve until it’s time, but that is a whole lot easier said than done. On a positive note, when we got home last night Bentley scarfed down dinner (he wasn’t eating much while we were away), and he seemed to pep up when he got outback in the yard (seemed so lethargic all weekend at the beach). I’m trying to stay positive that we have alot more time together, which is usually so easy for me because I’m such a positive person..but I am really struggling right now to find my positive pants. We are starting him on Ip6 and Essiac Tea this week, so maybe we’ll have some help there? Then I also struggle with the fact that I have a bachelorette party I’m supposed to go to in MD in two weeks, and then three weddings in September (all in New England). I literally don’t want to do anything except be with him, it kills me to go to work for a few hours, how will I make it a weekend away from him if he’s still here when I have to go?

Here are a few pictures from this weekend, until next time..

Kate and Bentley


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10 Responses to “The healing of the Island and the hard trip home.”

  1.   4myty Says:

    Oh, I get it! Totally get it. I wanted to just pack up my dogs and go to the beach when it was apparent that everything I did for Ty was not working. I spent so much time crying and being sad that I would not have him much longer. I think I somehow thought it would make it easier when he did go. Everyone else just did not understand it. I did not want to leave him even to go to town , work or anything. I think that getting away probably did you some good. Just the change of scenery. No, you are not crazy. I was sitting here nodding my head through your whole story. I am sorry you are going through this. It just stinks! Love from, Lori and Ty

  2.   Michelle Says:

    Everything you wrote is everything I felt when I was going through this with Sassy. What I can tell you is this. Don’t mourn him yet. He is still here. You have to try to enjoy every minute with him. If you start to mourn him now you will miss something and regret it. I know its hard to do trust me. I cry as I write this because I know exactly how you feel and Bentley is your boy just like Sassy was my baby girl.

    Cancer sucks. I wish we had a cure and that none of our babies had to go through this. Trust me I do.

    Thinking of you
    Michelle & Angel Sassy

  3.   Liliana Says:

    Kate, everything you are feeling is normal and completely understandable. I get it. Bentley is your everything. Sasha was my everything. I’ve got 4 other dogs here and a great husband, yet something is missing, something will always be missing from my life now that she’s gone. Don’t feel bad for how you feel or the thoughts you have…allow yourself to have them, but I think that no matter how hart it is be your positive self and enjoy the time you have with him.

    I’m not sure what to advice/say regarding your trips, but I waited over a year to go see my mom because I did not want to leave just in case something would happened to Sasha. I did not care what anyone thought, Sasha came first. I may be wrong, but she is (was) my world.

    My heart goes out to you, your husband, and your pooches.


  4.   mom2shelby Says:

    Sending you so many hugs!!! Your post is exactly how I felt when I had to say good-bye to my Shelby. She was my soul mate. My best friend in the world. And all I said was that I did everything within my financial power to save her (we are still paying it off) and yet I couldn’t save her. It was so unfair. So flipping unfair!!! And yes, I felt the same; I would have more time to go out w/friends, didn’t have to “rush” home after work, things changed. And yet the silence was awful.

    I am so sorry you are going through this right now. My heart aches for you since I have been there … I was there. Just three short months ago. And the pain is still really fresh. But know that Bentley knows how loved her is. He knows that and he’s happy. He’s in the moment.

    And like me, you will know in your heart that you did everything you could and Bentley knows that. He really, really does!

    Sending love!

  5.   benny55 Says:

    Oh My Dear Kate!! You verbalized what every single one of us have felt…every single word resonates all too well!

    And the beauty of this site is you can vent, purge, scream, verbally vomit, cry your guts out…..and we can all understand like no others can! So don’t hold it in….use us as your sounding board!

    Now, let’s re-direct out focus and get you in a frame of mind that is more beneficial to Bentley’s well-being and putting back the magic of the moment when you two are together.

    Okay? DEEP BREATH! We’re geting ready to step into a more empowering state of mind! We’ll all do this together…you’ve got the whole tripawd community by your side!

    DEEP BREATH AGAIN…..Here we go!!

    Throw away your positive pants! Yep! Toss ’em! We’re gonna dress you in a brand new pair of BENTLEY’S EMPOWERMENT PANTS!! Yep! Put those suckers on right now!

    Okay, now we’re going to destroy any thoughts that do NOT serve your Bentley’s well-being! Obliterate them!! Demolish them!! Let’s go!!

    You can do this!! You are strong! You will eliminate focusing on what your will lose…..that completely robs you of all that’s wonderful while Bentley is here!! You do NOT want to look back and regret that you focused on life without him and failed to focus on life WITH him wnile he is right here looking for snuggles, treats snd more spoling and loving!!!

    Your love for Bentley is sooooooo strong, sooooo fierce….you can do this for him!!!

    Keep thinks chunked down, weddings, etc….they aren’t even here yet…but Bentley is HERE!! If things stay steady, and I believe they will, you can decide at that time if you want to go. To try and decide now what you’ll do then, is just torturing yourself!

    Work…yeah, that sucks so badly. HOWEVER, in Be tley’s worl it’s normal…a normal routine that he’s used to. A routine that gives him time to rest comfortably. Trust me, to be around him 24/7 would just not seem ” normal” to him and he would probably sense some stress.

    Bentley’s journey is full of so many life lessons for you! He’s giving you so many gifts in that regard! You see them, you are aware of them, don’t fight them, just recognize them as a way Bentley is bringing growth to your soul and showing you the value of these life lessons. This journey never has been “just about the amputation”…it’s truly life altering on so many levels.

    I just shared something with someone else going through a potentially stressful time with their dog and they are having a hard time staying in the prede t, as opposed to jumping into the future where all the fear awaits to take over her time with her dog and keep them “separated”.

    Anway, a real simple strategy…….here we go. Find a big ole’ fat rubber band and put it on your wrist. Everytime you find your mind and emotions trying to take you away from your time with Bentley and interfering with his well being, you zap yourself so ha

  6.   benny55 Says:

    OOPS! You snap your wrist so hard with that rubber band it hurts!! “Snap” yourself back into the present with Bentley! It will work!, Your wrist might get bloody but you’ll find yourself kickng those useless thoughts to the curb!

    I hope you can feel my love and respect for you and Bentley. I hope you kmow I’m only trying to help. This time of being together while he’s feeling good is so important not to waste…so important.

    He looks WONDERFUL in his pictures!! Whatever may, or may not, be going on with that piece of crap disease, it is NOT bothering Bentley! Jump into Bentey’s joy! He’ll love having you join him!!

    And give him a scoop of ice cream just because!, Don’t spill any on your brand new pair of BENTLY’S EMPOWERMENT PANTS though!

    Sending you love and support..

    Sally and Happy Hannah

  7.   leland4 Says:

    As I was reading your post I started sobbing…literally. It is 7 days today since my husband and I had to put our dear boy to sleep. I have the same angry feelings that you’re expierencing…we put so much time and money into trying to make our boy healthy but in the end it wasn’t enough. I also ask “why us and why did this have to happen to Leland”…I still have no answer.

    I have a hard time keeping myself busy because Leland was such a huge part of my life. I always made sure he wasn’t left for extended periods of time without either myself or my husband running home to let him out for a bathroom break. If we ordered take out I always made sure to get something he could eat too (he had food sensetivities). I would rush home from work to be with him and just hang out. He was my baby…my everything.

    Bentley is still with you so just LOVE on him as much as possible. That’s what I miss the most…not having Leland to hug and kiss anymore. It won’t be easy when Bentley goes to get his wings and there will be a lot of tears…I still just start crying because I miss Leland. You will get through Bentley’s passing just as I’ll get through Leland’s…somehow, someway we will keep living.

    Sending you and Bentley MANY HUGS!!!!

    Sahana and her Angel Leland

  8.   bcullom Says:

    Yep, like everyone else here, I felt the same exact way you do, word for word, and sometimes I still do……especially the extreme anger…… this whole thing sucks, from start to finish. The time, money, stress, etc. seems ultimately useless…. but it isn’t. We do what we humanly can for our fur babies, and no amount of time is ever long enough. However, we can look back and say, this pup was loved more than any other pup in the whole wide world, I gave him/her the best life possible, and they were the happiest pup ever!
    I KNOW that for my own sweet Polly, and it is true for everyone here that had to take this unwanted journey. You have many, many of us here that truly understand, and will support you through this, you will never be alone.

    Keeping you and handsome Bentley in my continuing thoughts,
    Bonnie & Angel Polly

  9.   Christine Says:

    It is hard not to get andry, pissed off, upset, start venting, screaming and end up in a fetal position crying…. some of us have been there, done that.. and know exactly what you are going through.
    But… relish in the moment that you have… be more Bentley!!

    Bentley doesn’t care.. he is having the best time today.. the best meal.. the best pig ear… the best nap… the best time chilling with his momma!!

    And don’t geel guilty about doing things without him.. he’ll be napping while you are gone.. and so dawg gone happy to see you when you get back!! It will be the best time when you get back!! And Bentley says so!

    We all know what happens in the end.. to all our furkids whether they are battling cancer or not.. eventually it happens.. and that is okay cause we know it happens.. and all the best days we spend with them.. the best snuggles, the best sloppy kisses make it all worthwhile.. and none of us would trade it for the world!

    Chin up.. and be more Bentley… ;O)

    Christine… with Franklin in her heart♥

  10.   jerry Says:

    Kate, I just now found some quiet time to read your post. I’m glad I did because I want to tell you that what you are feeling is exactly what we felt. So many contradictory feelings, so much guilt, anger, worry. Feeling like you just can’t control anything any more. I TOTALLY get it. And in fact, we are those crazy dog people who DID kidnap Jerry and run away from the world, we hit the road with him and never looked back, we never wanted to face the inevitable.

    I hope you and Bentley won’t be at that point for a long, long time. When I look at that handsome boy and his great big smile, I don’t see a dog who is dying. I see a dog who is LOVING EVERY SECOND of life, who is happy to have his mamma and just BE. There is no worry in his eyes, nothing. So look deeply into them, and know that his eyes are your real island, your refuge. Here, now, always.


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