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Not ready to say good-bye!

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So we rescanned Bentleys lungs on Tuesday, and finally heard back from Dr. Mason with the results last night, and they were less than favorable. The 5cm mysterious mass has grown slightly (meaning that it is probably not a lymph node swollen because it’s killing cancer – if it were she would expect to see it shrink by now). The other nodules that we’re already in his chest – most have grown slightly, a couple have stayed the same. And then there are additional nodules that have now popped up too. All signs point to, his cancer is very aggressive, and although the vaccine absolutely slowed it down – it wasn’t enough to stop it. Last night and today I have been a mess, although I usually don’t let him see me cry – last night I laid with him for hours and just cried. I think I honestly convinced myself that the vaccine was working, and he was really tired lately and had less energy because his immune system was working so hard to kill cancer..NOT because he is dying. Although I know that is inevitable now, and I have been preparing myself for that for 6 months..I still cannot grasp that. Will I ever? Now I torture myself because we had decided after our stint in the ICU that we were done with treatment options, and that we were going to just enjoy our time together..but now that very hard for me to agree to when I know there are other treatments out there. And what if Bentley is still one of the lucky few that could find the right treatment that just all of a sudden obliterates the tumors in his lungs?!? But we’re not living in a fantasy world right..that is highly unlikely to happen at this point. But how do I sit here and just let him die? But by doing Palladia, with this type of cancer and how aggressive it is – it would probably only give him a couple extra months. So then I’m just prolonging the inevitable..when is the right time for him to die, now or in 3 months? Please tell me that I’m not the only one w ho tortures themselves like this?!? What about the metronomic protocol, could they buy us more time while not having to poke and prod and torture him at vets every week?

We left today for the island, and we were going to leave Bentley home (because there are 2 other dogs there, one that doesn’t like other dogs). But now I’ve decided that the other dogs have to go home and we’re on our way to the beach now. We were supposed to go to the island the week of July 20th for a week there with just us and Bentley – on his bucket list. But now my fear is that he’s going to continue to get worse, and won’t be able to enjoy the beach in a couple weeks. So we need to take him now, this may be our last trip together. Can’t believe those words are coming out of my mouth..

Sorry for the ranting, and as always thank you for letting me vent. I don’t know what is do without this family. Handsome boy is sound asleep in the back seat right now, and although we’re driving straight to the center of hurricane Arthur, I know this weekend is going to be filled with amazing memories for my sweet boy. Were thinking that we’re going to up his Tramadol and Gabapentin, and add in Prednisone to help keep him happy. We’re also adding on Ip6 and Essiac Tea and will hope for the best!

Hugs and Sloppy Rotty kisses for all

xo

 

 

 


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4 Responses to “Not ready to say good-bye!”

  1.   Michelle Says:

    No, you aren’t the only one who thinks that. I stopped x-rays after a couple times doing metronomics with Sassy. It killed me everytime I went in there and they grew a little. I just let her be a dog, lived every moment I could. The best advice I can give you is this. Love him, smother him with kisses & spoil him rotten. Take tons of pictures not of just him but make sure you both are in them. You will want those pictures. I am usually the one behind the camera so I have some of me & Sassy but not as many as I really want (now its too late) but just enjoy him.

    The other thing is Bentley will let you know when its time. Sassy did. Although each dog is different when that time comes. Sassy panted really hard and could not get comfortable. She didn’t have the pink tongue either the day she crossed the bridge. Watch his signals.

    But for now try to only cry when he isn’t around and just enjoy him. Enjoy the beach

    Hugs & Rottie love
    Michelle & Angel Sassy

  2.   leland4 Says:

    I’m so sorry to hear that Bentley’s cancer vaccine is not working the way you had hoped for. I understand what you are feeling with going back and forth on whether to try something else to keep your baby with you. My husband and I had to put our sweet boy Leland to sleep on Monday. Leland wasn’t battling cancer but he seemed to be battling everything else in his body. He’d gone through 2 surgeries (failed TPLO and amp), came down with an infection after the TPLO that almost took him if we didn’t amputate the leg, hypothyrodism, autoimmune disorder, drastic weight loss, and we suspect urinary/kidney issues. On Sat evening the ACL went out of his other hind leg (he was a hind leg amp) and the surgeon told us he could do a TPLO on the leg but that things had to go 100% or we’d end up having to put him to sleep.

    My husband and I went back and forth all day Sun. We sooooo wanted to fix his only hind leg and keep him with us but we knew that things wouldn’t go perfect. We couldn’t bring ourselves to put him through a 3rd surgery and the recovery (surgeon said it would be longer than a typical recovery due to autoimmune). To us it seemed like we would just be torturing him to keep him with us a little while longer….but Leland would have gone through it for us.

    You will know when Bentley has had enough and is ready to rest. He’ll let you know and you’ll be brave and strong enough to let him go.

    Sending you hugs in this sad time.

    Sahana

  3.   benny55 Says:

    We understand!! We get it! We all “torture” ourselves realky well with the “what ifs”! That’s what we humans do. Our dogs din’t. They just go with the flow and stay in the moment! They don’t look backwards, they don’t look forward…..they are just in the present.

    Stay in the present with Bentley…that’s where he is!

    A couple of things……be careful with that hurricane and enjoy the beauty of the quiet and beauty that always follows the big ole’ storm.

    You’ve just gone through the storm with Bentley…it’s passed…now it’s time to immerse yourself in all the beauty of being with Bentley now that the storm has passed. Heck! Bentley doesn’t even realize there is a “storm” anyway!! He just knows there are more scents on the breeze for him to sniff and all sorts of stinkh “debris” to smell on the beach that the seas washed up!

    I LOVE that you are going ahead and going to the beach and sent the “trouble making” dog home so Bentley could enjoy himself!

    Now, as far as “preparing” yourself for “dying”…or waiting for it to happen. Let’s put all those thoughts away because they interfere with yiur relatio ship with Bentley!!! No, in my opinion you don’t “prepare”…..sure, you can have some logistics lined up, etc., for “whenever”, but to try and “emotionally prepare”…nah…..that’s a co,plete waste of your energy…..let’s focus on “preparing” how we are going to enjoy every single sacred second that Bailey is with us, okay?!

    It takes a “split-second” for us to “die” Up until that moment we are ALIVE and still have purpose and meaning and love to share! And as long as we are alive, there is always hope…whether we “pursue” medical options or not, there is always hope!

    You can ask the vets about metronomics when you get back. I kmow that Palladia in a lot of cases seems to cause side effects and the metronomics does not seem to. Check out the threads on hokistic approaches…I kmow that some have added mushroom therapy and feel good about it.

    Everyone of us makes a decision at some point to not do any more “medical therapies”….some decisions are made right after amputation, some after amputatiin and some rounds of chemo, some do aditional therapies and regret it…..some don’t and regret it! There is just NO way of knowing what works…if anything!!

    THE DECISION MADE OUT OF LOVE AND FOCUS ON QUAILITY IS ALWAYS THE RIGHT DECISION!!! Every decision you have made os the right decision because you have always had Bentley’s best interest at heart and you have stayed focused on quaility!

    Now is the time to relax, stay in the NOW and enjoy your time with Bentley….he’s sure enjoying his time with you!! BE MORE DOG!, Yep, make that your mantra! One thing that helped me “be ore dog” after my Happy Hannah developed a large met was this……anytime that stupid piece of crab disease would try and interfere with our time together by trying to get me out of the “present”, I would just look at Happy Hannah, watch her tail wag….BINGO BANGO…..she snapped me right back jnto being in the moment with her!!! And in that moment all was well in Happy Hannah’s world!

    And right now, all is well in Bentley’s world!!! Being tired isn’t painful! Being low on energy is not compromising his quaility!!! Pred. can indeed help with the breathing and a dose of Tramadol can help make sleep more comfy!

    PLEASE STAY CONNECTED TO US, OKAY! You vent all you want…it helps….and then you can get back to enjoying the sacredness of being with Bentley!,!

    Cannot wait to see pictures of Bentley at the beach!! Please don’t make him wear a “speedo” though, okay?.

    Sending you all the love in the world!! Your boy isn’t gojng anywhere anytime soon! Give him a great big smooch fo us all!!!

    Sally and Happy Hannah

  4.   Liliana Says:

    Dear Kate,

    I am so sorry about Bentley; it breaks my heart to learn this news.

    I know exactly what you are going through and how you are feeling. My girl Sasha received Dr. Mason’s vaccine, and I truly believe that the vaccine has helped Bentley just like it helped my Sasha. Don’t stop believing!

    I wholeheartedly agree with Sally about getting the thoughts about preparing your self to let Bentley go…Don’t think about it (though I know its hard not to) try to just enjoy him, love him, spoil him, live in the moment! I knew we would lose Sasha…one day. I didn’t know when, and I tried not to think about it. We took things day by day and did what we thought was best for Sasha and only Sasha. We did not care what others thought – we listened to everyone’s advice, but the only advice we considered was our vet’s and Dr. Mason’s. You do what you think its best for your boy; I personally think there is nothing to lose with trying new treatments. I think anything that might help extend his life (as long as its a good quality of life) is worth trying.

    The batter is not over until is over.

    “Faith consists in believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe.”
    ~ By: Voltaire

    Sending your whole family and all your pooches, especially Bentley, lots of love and hugs. Feel free to reach out anything!

    ~Liliana

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